Those were my VERY first thoughts as I walked outside for church this morning. Right before I sort of got frustrated because I had literally taken the time to curl my hair this morning. (We live a hard life, right? *insert eye roll*)
But I believe 100% in my heart that it wasn't just a coincidence. Sure, science plays into it all blah blah blah, but there is a higher power than science. And I know when to recognize signs that are in my life. The whole way to church all I could think about was my weekend and how it was so OUT OF THE BLUE emotionally exhausting for me. The rain was washing it all away. It is now time for another new beginning. Hear me out.
I am and always will be a firm believer that your life is already all planned out. Already designed. Done. You just have to take the journey. And God will be with you the entire way, even when you don't feel like he is.
He KNEW what this weekend was going to be like for me. After it all happened, I was dumbfounded. Stunned. Stuck in this place in my mind because I didn't know what just happened and what it had meant for me. It was all very unexpected and all within 24 hours and then this morning.
The teacher is always quiet during the test. #truth
I rarely know when I'm being tested. Can you relate to how frustrating this IS? Like, really? You think to yourself, "Wait, there was a lesson there?"
Sometimes the lesson isn't even for you, but for you to share with others, to encourage them, to make them UNDERSTAND that they are still here for a REASON.
But this weekend, I knew with every fiber of my being that there was a lesson for me.
Ok ok, I'll get to it now. I just needed to really put all of that out there on the table so you know where I am coming from. I just need you guys to really understand me a LITTLE bit more. Maybe you do understand me, maybe you don't. Maybe you think I am crazy and selfish and to be blunt, dumb and fake.
But I am not. And those of you out there who think that I am. Well, I feel sorry for you. I, too, was once in a place where I constantly gossiped about others, and judged others and constantly thought about their daily lives and I just NEEDED to see them SCREW it up so I could be that one person there to point it out.
You won't find that with me. I am as real as they come. I will share my struggles and achievements and failure and excitements and you either take all of me, or you get none of me. I don't appreciate passive agressiveness and I won't allow it in my life. #byefelicia
Ok, NOW I will really get to this weekend.
Let's start with TODAY. Let's just turn this around a little bit.
While my husband and I were sitting in our row this morning when we arrived at church, before worship began, he leaned over and whispered in my ear-
"Tomorrow I will call the VA and ask them if I can get help to talk to someone. I love you. You are the best. Thank you for putting up with me."
LUMP.IN.MY.THROAT. I squeezed his hand.
Thinking to myself, "Don't cry Jessi, hold it together." (I mean, I had winged my eyeliner too today dangit.)
This is exactly the precise thing I have been waiting to hear from my husband. He suffers from survivors guilt from his few years in the army. It isn't something we talk about. I only rant and vent to my best friends when the kids and I are getting the "butt end" of his horrible mood swings. He was never like this. The little bit we HAVE talked about, he has just expressed his anger about those who he is close to and he loves very much and all of everything that they had to endure while serving and how he would take away any of their pain if he could. He says it, and he means it. That scares me. It isn't something I can understand fully and I accept that.
Morning worship starts. Well, hello there flood of tears. OH, we are 3 songs in now, still crying uncontrollably. Oh, here is the 4th song, yep still crying. My entire weekend has now hit me in all of maybe 10 minutes and hasn't stopped as all the songs keep going. I can't even sing. The words, the message in the songs, I can't control myself.
Funny enough, the last song we sing, ends- "You have the last word, it is finished."
Got it. I got it, God. I understand. I need to trust you more. I need to know when to stop trying to control everything because I don't in fact control it, You do. Ok, thanks for the message, can I stop crying now please? All of these people are around me and I even had to shake their hands all tear strained face and all and the nice man next to me even complimented my hair (that the rain almost ruined!) because he didn't know what else to say. I could tell he was being sweet. What a sweet man.
Ok where were we?
*I will be putting fake names about who these people are in my life for their own confidentiality*
Friday evening rolled around and Joan, who is a part of my everyday life had a breakdown. I didn't even know how to react. I wanted to go hug her and let her know that everything was going to be alright.
It's HARD when you question yourself as a person, a mother, a father, a wife, a husband, a christian, brother, sister-you get it. What makes that worse is when you compare yourself to others. You see how they dress, act, talk. You know how they think. You wonder HOW someone can be SO happy ALL OF THE TIME. (trust me they aren't)They live a completely different life from you. And even though you aren't jealous of them per say, as a mentor of mine says, "Let's just call a spade, a spade.", recognize it, acknowledge it, and grow from it. Joan was struggling with these very things and I had to call in some reinforcements myself because I just didn't have the right words that she needed to hear. Later Friday, we were able to talk things out and she felt better. She knew she had to work on herself and change some things around and recognize that she is important too and taking time for herself is important. Even when we feel like we HAVE no time. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. YOU own your time, don't let your time own you.
Friday evening, in the MIDST of all of th^^at, a very very good and very very old friend of mine, Joey, reached out to me. We hadn't had an actual conversation in FOREVER! I was working at the time but as soon as he reached out, I dropped everything I was doing and we had an awesome, long skype date. We talked about life. The last 10 years or so of it. A lot of it broke my heart. A lot of it made me smile, laugh. When you hear the struggles of someone who you were once so close with and you realize that you had NO idea of the things going on in their life, you feel like a crappy friend. I couldn't change what had happened in the past and the fact that I knew nothing of what had happened, but I totally took advantage of the time we were spending now. I listened, I listened and I didn't say a word and he told me every detail of everything and how he just at one point didn't like the person he was at all and how he needed help and someone to be there for him. My heart, oh my heart. How could I not know these things??
This is the kind of thing that happens when people put things out like things are perfectly ok because they don't want to let anyone know what they are facing at that moment in their life. Don't do this you guys. If you have nobody, I AM HERE. Please reach out to me. You can find me @ Jessi Marie Varela
Before we ended that skype date, Joey told me all of the NEW things going on in his life, how he is finding happiness once again. It is an everyday battle. He is fighting that battle and I couldn't be more proud.
Saturday morning at 7:30 am I received a phone call from ANOTHER amazing friend. Totally, out of the blue, unexpected. Cora has been taking self development courses on facing HERSELF. Scary right?
The scariest thing we could ever ever do is face ourselves. I can't imagine doing that in an organized manner either. Cora was calling to get a few things off her shoulders, something that had happened between us last year and it had been bothering her. She was letting so many things eat her alive as a person, didn't like who she had become and she was ridding of all of it. A phone call to me was a part of this. We talked for a few minutes. She was a sobfest. I was speechless for a minute or so because I didn't know what to say(considering what had just happened the night before especially)
I let her get her words out, and I told her that what had happened between us was done, and even though it bothered me at the time, I had let it all go and it didn't bother me anymore. I didn't want her to feel burdened anymore. She spoke about how she is ready for new beginnings and to work on being a better her and loving herself. I couldn't be more proud of this girl. NO MORE PROUD. I know she is going to move mountains with what she does in her life and anyone who is blessed to know her, well, they are blessed.
So, what does all of this mean?
Let's back track a little bit more again.
Lately, I have been struggling with myself, my business, who I am, why I can't put things aside and get the things I work so hard for. I am WORKING right? Why isn't it going exactly the way I want it to?
Oh man. I really needed this lesson.
I've recently starting listening to "You Are a Badass" on audible. This book is freaking LIFECHANGING. I am so serious. You should go to Amazon right now and order it. It made me teary and shaky in the first 10 minutes and I cried in the 1st chapter and I am on Chapter 8 not even 2 days into it. If you need someone who is not boring to tell you how it is and exactly how to get your life together and what is blocking you-THIS IS THE BOOK. *I am not affiliated with any purchases*
You see, after all of everything that happened this weekend this morning was my time to "fill my cup". I listened to some of the book and did church and prayer and family time and I even got a NAP! #winning
My subconscious doesn't think about anything. Yet it controls of fiber being in me even when I am consciously making different efforts. If you haven't read my "Childhood" blog entry, you should. Everything I experienced in my life has been set into my subconscious mind and it is blocking me from so many things I can accomplish and BE.
So, I will BE. I will learn to change my limiting beliefs AROUND.
Say these out loud:
I am in charge of how I feel and today I choose happiness.
Self love comes first-I love ME.
I am too big of a gift in this world to waste my time on self pity and sadness.
I choose happiness, success and abundance in my life.
I matter-and what I have to offer to this world MATTERS.
I am strong. I am beautiful. I am fearless. I am wise.
SAY THESE THINGS EVEN IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE THEM RIGHT NOW.
You have to REtrain your way of thinking.
Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become words.
Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior.
Keep your behavior positive, because your behavior becomes your habit.
Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your value.
Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.
Protect your thinking. Don't let people change you. BE YOU UNAPOLOGETICALLY.
New beginnings. Absolutely not caring what other people think about what I do, say, feel.
Getting rid of anyone who isn't supportive in my life and is only around to watch for me to fail or quit. (Not happening)
My brain feels like I unloaded so many things into one post. I hope that this helps someone out there. I am not mentally exhausted anymore. I am at rest. I am at peace with where I am right now in my life and I will work to keep growing and being better and helping as many more people as God wills me to.
All things are possible, easy and come to me with grace. I expect miracles. All things in my future are already there now.
XOXO
-Jessi
