Childhood.

We all had one. Some were good, some not so great. Everyone has their own struggles. Everyone has their own victories.

My struggle was self confidence, holding back, and being a follower.

My victories ARE confidence, being free to make my own decisions, and being a leader.

As a child my family moved around a lot. I remember leaving my dad when I was around 2 years old. We got into the police car and drove off to my godparents house. I remember the glimpse of us stopping because we found our dog, or it chased us or something, and we let him in with us and my brother and I were so very happy about that. I don't remember if I was scared or not, but I probably was.

My dad was physically abusive to my mom. He did drugs and he was an alcoholic. Well is an alcoholic. (I think that is how the program works. He is clean now. Im proud of him.)
My mom had me when she was 14. (!!)
And then she had my brother not even a full 2 years later.

Around the time I was 4 years old my mom met another man. This man later became her husband. He emotionally and verbally abused her. He stole things from our family. He never came home because he was out doing drugs. We were up riding with my mom at all hours of the night looking for him to bring him home. And he sexually abused me for approximately 6 years. I was scared and I never told anyone. I didn't want to ruin my moms marriage or make anyone mad. So I kept it to myself.

That marriage ended some years later. My mom was in a hard place and so was I. I was 14. Hard age for a girl. But I never really showed it. I was the "good child". I got good grades. I was likeable. I did good for people. I had a good heart.

But I also had a good struggle. I had dreams. I had goals. Growing up in small towns, I didnt know much of what was out there. Only what I watched on tv or read about in the newspaper. I played basketball. I ran track.

I loved basketball. I played every year. In 10th grade we won the championship and it was one of the happiest times of my life. I wanted to get recruited/college scholarship my 11th grade year. I wanted to be in the WNBA. I wanted to travel all around the world and then come back to what I called home.

I also went through my phase of my high school sweet heart. We were off and on. I tried killing myself once over him with a fight with my mom. Ill never forget my brother physically on top of me trying to pull all of the pills out of my mouth. Im going to forever be sorry about that.

That next year I got pregnant with my now 8 year old amazing son. I was 17 when I had him. My entire world changed before me.
Styled hair, makeup, cute outfits, sports, school, out for fun nights with my friends, work as many hours as I wanted to make money >>> messy ponytails, baggy eyes, tshirts with baby puke, no sports, school dropout, fun nights up with a colicky baby, and working and working to provide.

My relationship with his dad was a good one. He was a good dad. He provided. We were in a good place. We moved out of town. That is when I dropped out of school because I absolutely hated the school so I just continued to work full time. I got fired a week before Christmas.
 I "came out" to everyone about my sexual abuse as a child to help defend another close family member. It went to trial. They let him go. He threatened us. We moved back.
We lived in a shelter. We found a place to live. My sons dad cheated on me with a good friend of mine. I stayed "for my family."
One day as we were getting ready for a halloween party, I tested positive for another baby. I was happy. He was happy. All was good.
The day after Thanksgiving I had a miscarriage. I will never ever forget that day in my life. I wasn't close with God. I didn't understand. I was depressed and all was hopeless. I held my fake smile on though. Nobody knew my true struggle. Well, I truly now believe that God did even when I didn't reach out to him.

On my 19th birthday, I found out I was pregnant with my 5 year old daughter. What nobody knows is that 2 months prior to finding out all we did was drink every single weekend. Hard drinking. We thought it was fun. I thought it was harmless. I still carry guilt about that. I cheated on my sons dad. Not many people know that either. I was in a bad place.

I told him I did it. He forgave me and we moved on. She was a hard pregnancy. She almost died. The day I went in and told the dr I couldnt feel her moving, they did an ultrasound and sent me to the University of Iowa where drs there told me that her blood count shouldve been 50 and it was 4 and they need to do an immediate blood transfusion for her. I cried so hard. They couldnt understand how she had survived how long she did. (They say she had parvo, which only effects fetuses) That pregnancy was a long hard one of lots of ultrasounds and monitoring. She was a beautiful 5 pound baby in September of 2008. She was born via csection and that was one of the toughest things I had gone through physically in my life.

I tried nursing her. She wouldnt latch and I wasnt producing. Where we lived nursing wasn't this big thing so I really had nobody to reach out to for help that I felt comfortable with. So I gave up and went into depression. I took meds. They seemed to help until they didnt anymore.

By this time I was so self conscious of my body and just sad. I held my smile though. I didn't know what my purpose was in life and only that I had 2 beautiful gifts from God that needed me. So that was what I was going to do. Be a mom and be a hell of a mom. Their dad and I both worked until we got into a really bad car accident. By the grace of God my children were ok. The whole back window was shattered and all they had was a couple of slivers in their forehead and a bruise. I truly believe they were in the arms of angels that snowy freezing morning. That accident put their dad out of work.

I used to sit and reflect on the things that I had done in my life that I was ashamed of. The things I mentioned above. How could a GOOD person cheat on someone they are supposed to love? I could use the excuse that I was drunk, but that would make me a hypocrite. And that is something I am not. We all have skeletons in our closets and I just choose not to hide them anymore. This is me.

I worked full time. Now at this point in my life I started running everyday after work. I was determined to start losing weight and to get healthy. The thing is, now I realize I didnt even know what healthy was. I was buying processed food like crazy. I wasnt educated at all about it. But I did become a good runner for awhile. Until I quit.

What changed in me?
God. My husband. Moving away. Being a coach.
Not in that order.
If I put it in order, it would be I would say my husband for one. When he came into my life a LOT of things changed. My kids fell in love with him and he fell in love with them. I realized a part of me that had been missing and it was HIM. He completed me.
Moving away comes second. See, my husband joined the army and we had to move when our daughter was 15 months. (3 kids for me now- another csection)

I hated it. I was miserable and him and I fought all the time and our marriage was in a bad spot. I left many times with the kids. We did nothing but fight and call each other names. We decided to have another baby (in one of our happy times) and that pregnancy was horrid in the beginning. I wound up in the ER for dehydration. I was sick and weak and couldnt do anything. Depressed. Again. He didnt understand depression so I was a big baby in his eyes.

So our precious bundle of joy came in August of 2012. Another Csection. At this point I am at the highest weight of my entire life and just really trying to figure out this thing called life. I did wind up falling in love with where we were (and are still currently) living. I was happy because my brother and mother in law came for her birth and all seemed well. Babies make everyone happy right?

Fake it til you make it. That is my motto. And so far, it has worked. In every single aspect of my life. I never used to understand why I went through everything that I did. Or why I had to witness some of the things I did. Even now I dont really understand but I accept that and am ok with that.

In January of 2013 I was just scrolling in a public forum on facebook and there was a link to join a FREE fitness challenge group. I was intrigued. I joined and I was so scared because there were rules like no eating fast food for 30 days (WHAT?! McDonalds was the PLACE TO BE) and no pop( I had recently quit that horrible addiction) and I HAD TO WORKOUT.

Lord, help me.
I remember showing the group to my husband. He simply said "You don't ever stick with anything."
What? Challenge accepted dude.
I went about this challenge and I HAD PROGRESS.
But it wasn't fast enough for me and I was impatient. I wanted something quick, you know, like everyone does.

BUT, I reached out to my coach and found out more about what she does and did my own research on some things. I watched a presentation and I was PULLED IN. My heart was TUGGING at me. I HAD to do what she was doing. It changed her life and all of these other people? I knew we needed this for my family!!! I was desperate!! At that point I had been sleeping everyday with my baby and toddler and being the horrible mom! I really was! WHO drops their older kids off at school to come home and feed the toddler then take her in the room with you and lock the door, turn on cartoons so you can sleep until your lunchtime alarm goes off? Just to go feed her and then have her nap and you nap with her until your alarm goes off to go get the kids?! WHODOESTHAT?
I DID.

THIS CHANGE I NEEDED. MY FAMILY NEEDED. They deserved to have ME. They didn't have that. And my "why" is MUCH bigger than just them, but they are the MAJORITY.


So, I began my journey with coaching. I can't explain the passion I have to help people find THEMSELVES again. I know exactly what it feels like to LOSE yourself. With everything you have to face in life, it isn't hard to not lose yourself. But you are important. You are loved.

My marriage is THE BEST it has EVER been. I truly believe all of the change coaching has done for me inside has changed my husband and my perspective on life and marriage. Our team is incredible. We don't just talk about working out and eating healthy. We are everyday live human beings who face the same struggle everyone else does.
I LOVE living here. I feel free and there is SO much opportunity for our children to just LIVE. We are so happy with our life right now and we have big dreams to accomplish for us and them. It helps to have a team to back me up in everything I do for my family. Whether it is about house buying, parenting, or workingout!

If you're anything like me you need accountability and someone to push you. And in the beginning, you may need someone to tell you that you are worth it. I know how hard that is to believe that about yourself. Internal changes impact external. It all comes together as one. You are not alone. I can offer you help. I can get you to achieve your goals, IF you'll let me and IF you're ready to commit to YOU.


In this last year I found GOD. And when I did it hit me HARD. I remember standing there, singing and breaking DOWN crying. I ran to the bathroom and just cried and tried to calm myself down. I felt too ashamed to go up during the invitation. That day as we were walking out of church my heart had this TUGGING feeling. I couldnt leave without going and talking to the pastor. I just couldn't. So that day was when I went and introduced myself all teary and snot faced. He said "those are beautiful tears." I told him I wanted to be baptized. I went to classes to make sure I was confident in that decision and on March 16th I was baptized. <3 I will never be able to explain the feeling that came across me when I came out of that water. I now live for him.

This is where I come from. This is my history. I never ever ever ever EVER EVER thought I would be "successful" or even THINK about the fact that we could afford things for our kids and not live as broke as we were!  I know I left some things out, because I am seriously just sitting here typing so dang fast and full of passion and tears. I just needed to get this out. Im not sure when I will share it either. I need to get the guts to share. I know that it will help others. I just need to be brave and do it. These are lots of the skeletons in my closet.

This is me. Then. Now. You don't have to be stuck anywhere in your life. You can make the decision to make a change. You have the power of your own choice. You just have to step outside of your fears. It is the scariest freaking thing EVER but it is WELL worth it!