It's hard to forgive.

Opening up the flood gates of forgiveness sometimes is even unimaginable. There are so many people in this world who do horrible horrible things. Some of those things are done to us. You. Me.

{Before I get completely into this, I want to give a TON of credit to Ken and Jackie Kendall. They are the founders of The Power to Grow ministries. These 2 may have very well just changed my and my husbands lives forever. This blog was thought into my head taking their Marriage Tune Up with my husband and I have hopes to help and inspire others who are struggling with forgiveness.}

When I was 18 years old I had to tell my mom that her husband of almost 10 years (that she had split from a couple years prior) had sexually molested me when I was younger for a few years. I had to tell her this to protect my little sister. He had attempted to attack her as well when she was 11 years old.

See, one morning I woke up in my apartment to 2 voicemails from my little sister. They were from around 6 am that morning. In both of them she simply stated, "call me Jessi." , "Jessi please have Mom call me." As SOON as I heard them I KNEW what had happened. So I went with my mom to go get her and hadn't said anything to my mom about it. When we picked my sister up she told her right away what happened and it broke me.

Writing this it has just hit me. Here I am going to write this huge blog for ya'll to read about forgiveness and how to help you with your struggles and I have realized that I haven't forgiven myself. Right here in this moment as I am typing I am realizing that if I HAD said something when I was little, that that ugly soul of a man would never have been near my sister and she wouldn't have had to go through what she did. This breaks my heart into pieces. So now I will cry my heart out to you and hope that you can get something out of this message that will most likely be a little all over the place. Stay with me now.

{To my sister, Amber; I love you and I am sorry. I know you don't blame me for what happened but I now cannot help but bring this to my attention. It is something I fully intend to work on now that I am aware of it.}

Ok guys, now that that is done. Well, not done, but out there. I want to help YOU.

I come from a broken home. (obviously)
My husband comes from a divorced home. His family's business is not mine to put out there so I won't. But I just want you to know that we both have our family issues. We all do.

Who in your life has hurt you?
Being offended is inevitable, but staying offended is a choice.

This sucks. That sentence hurts. Please know that I am not trying to offend. I KNOW struggle. I KNOW heartache. I KNOW what it feels like to want to die. I have tried taking myself from this world. I'll never forget my brother, around 12 years of age physically trying to stop me from overdosing and screaming and crying at me.

The thing a LOT of us fail to realize is people do not control our emotions or thoughts. They may do or say hurtful things to us, but WE are in charge of our own feelings and reactions. Guard your feelings.

Being human is often messy. We all sin. We all have such expectations for things in our life, that most of the time we are left disappointed. Disappointment is followed by anger.

For example. Is there someone in your life that you have high hopes for? Kids, brother, sister, cousin, spouse? You have your own little idea in your head on what you want them to be like, what you want them to do with their life, and you try to play that fantasy out? It becomes so real in your head that in real life, you push them to be like the fantasy in your head. You want them to do the things you say to do, feel the way you say to feel.
Let GO. Your dream for them does not matter, no matter HOW good your intention is. God has a plan for all of us, and it is not your decision on what their life will be like. Expectations are nothing but premeditated resentment. Expect a 5. So when it is a 3, you aren't super disappointed and when it is a 10 you are ecstatic.

Forgiveness is HARD. Forgiving your mom for being too hard on you. Forgiving your spouse for saying something hurtful to you or not paying attention. Forgiving your brother for going behind your back and doing that thing he said he wouldn't. Forgiving your stepfather who molested you for years and then went after your sister.
Forgiveness is HARD. 
But is isn't about THEM. It's about YOU.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to reconcile with whoever it was that has hurt you. It means that you have come to, you have released the feelings of resentment. That you have let go of the things that you cannot control. Free YOURSELF.
If the person that hurt you repents, ONLY then, if you DECIDE, can try and work on that relationship. But even THEN, it is tricky and scary. That is up to you.

That man murdered a child. Your wife cheated on you. Her son stole $300 from your wallet.

You are not the one who gets to be the judge on whether or not that person goes to Heaven or Hell. As HARD as that can be. To feel peace within you , you need to forgive. Forgiving someone is HEROIC. It is not for the weak.

"Father, forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34
So, even if you want someone "to pay" for what they have done, it is not your choice. It IS THAT difficult sometimes.
When you refuse to forgive, that moment is a moment of sin. Unforgiveness. "I am most like Jesus when I am forgiving."

Unforgiveness allows you to reproduce in others, what you have not resolved in your own heart.

I have kids. 4 precious souls that I labored into this world. I cannot reproduce my feelings of unforgiveness into their souls. That one hit me hard. Your children can read your body language. They can see your emotion. You do not want to bare them that burden if you haven't forgiven someone. I know I don't. I know you don't want that for them either.

"BUT when you are praying, FIRST forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against." Matt, 11;24,25

Spouses. Don't go to bed angry.
"If I go to bed angry with someone, I will wake up a little less in love with him/her."

Mind blown.
I go to bed angry a LOT. I have heard people tell me not to, read not to. It didn't dawn on me until this weekend that that also has something to do with the way I have felt some days with my husband. It has a lot to do with the ways I have felt about my marriage. I know we are on track with a lot of things, but we still have a lot of things we need to work on. Now we know it.

"Be angry and do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, and don't give the devil an opportunity." Eph. 4;26, 27

For all of you.
A lack of forgiveness in your heart towards your spouse, child, friend will erode your capacity to love this person. 

So now I want to tell you a story that I learned about Jackie today. She really is an amazing woman. She was a sibling of 7. 7 kids. That's a big family. Her dad sexually abused them ALL. Boys and girls. Heartbreaking. Even AFTER the fact, she tried to help her dad find Jesus. Can you imagine? That's strong. I couldn't have done that.

All of her siblings except for herself turned to drugs. She tried over and over again to bring them to Jesus. But she had to have a coming to and realize that she couldn't. As much as she tried.

When her sister killed herself she had to travel back home and help with the funeral. While she was driving with him she asked him if he needed to go talk to someone. Her brother was quiet, withdrawn. She said in that moment his voice rose and he said, "WHAT DAD DID TO US HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHO I AM!"

And in that moment she said, "What Dad did to us has EVERYTHING to do with who we are!" (And why her sister killed herself)

How sad.
Her dad died soon after and she said that her brother was weeping at the funeral. Her counselor was with her and told her that he really needed to talk to someone. He refused.

Shortly after, her brother shot himself in the head.
How TRAGIC.
Sexual abuse is the most deadening crime. It obviously hits close to home with me.

If you are a victim, I urge you to seek help, and dig yourself deep into prayer and find forgiveness so you can live in peace. It is not your fault dear. You did nothing wrong. God isn't at fault. He gave us free will. It took me a LONG time to come to with this one. Free will is something man takes advantage of. We live in a wreckless world with some evil souls that we can only pray that they will have a coming to Jesus. Some will. Some won't. But we don't get to determine their judgement day.

It is in my hopes that you took this message how I meant it. I do feel I was a little bit all over the place. My mind has been going about a million miles a minute today. I am going to pray for clarity so I can decide what it is exactly that I am supposed to do with everything we have been blessed with. Because I want to help so many people. I want to bless so many people and help so many souls out there in this world.

Just remember, we are sinners outside of the garden. Forgive. Again and again.
Xoxo
Jessi