New Beginnings

The rain today wasn't a coincidence. Not at all.

Those were my VERY first thoughts as I walked outside for church this morning. Right before I sort of got frustrated because I had literally taken the time to curl my hair this morning. (We live a hard life, right? *insert eye roll*)

But I believe 100% in my heart that it wasn't just a coincidence. Sure, science plays into it all blah blah blah, but there is a higher power than science. And I know when to recognize signs that are in my life. The whole way to church all I could think about was my weekend and how it was so OUT OF THE BLUE emotionally exhausting for me. The rain was washing it all away. It is now time for another new beginning. Hear me out.

I am and always will be a firm believer that your life is already all planned out. Already designed. Done. You just have to take the journey. And God will be with you the entire way, even when you don't feel like he is.

He KNEW what this weekend was going to be like for me. After it all happened, I was dumbfounded. Stunned. Stuck in this place in my mind because I didn't know what just happened and what it had meant for me. It was all very unexpected and all within 24 hours and then this morning.

The teacher is always quiet during the test. #truth

I rarely know when I'm being tested. Can you relate to how frustrating this IS? Like, really? You think to yourself, "Wait, there was a lesson there?"
Sometimes the lesson isn't even for you, but for you to share with others, to encourage them, to make them UNDERSTAND that they are still here for a REASON.

But this weekend, I knew with every fiber of my being that there was a lesson for me.

Ok ok, I'll get to it now. I just needed to really put all of that out there on the table so you know where I am coming from. I just need you guys to really understand me a LITTLE bit more. Maybe you do understand me, maybe you don't. Maybe you think I am crazy and selfish and to be blunt, dumb and fake.

But I am not. And those of you out there who think that I am. Well, I feel sorry for you. I, too, was once in a place where I constantly gossiped about others, and judged others and constantly thought about their daily lives and I just NEEDED to see them SCREW it up so I could be that one person there to point it out.

You won't find that with me. I am as real as they come. I will share my struggles and achievements and failure and excitements and you either take all of me, or you get none of me. I don't appreciate passive agressiveness and I won't allow it in my life. #byefelicia

Ok, NOW I will really get to this weekend.

Let's start with TODAY. Let's just turn this around a little bit.

While my husband and I were sitting in our row this morning when we arrived at church, before worship began, he leaned over and whispered in my ear-
"Tomorrow I will call the VA and ask them if I can get help to talk to someone. I love you. You are the best. Thank you for putting up with me."
LUMP.IN.MY.THROAT. I squeezed his hand.
Thinking to myself, "Don't cry Jessi, hold it together." (I mean, I had winged my eyeliner too today dangit.)

This is exactly the precise thing I have been waiting to hear from my husband. He suffers from survivors guilt from his few years in the army. It isn't something we talk about. I only rant and vent to my best friends when the kids and I are getting the "butt end" of his horrible mood swings. He was never like this. The little bit we HAVE talked about, he has just expressed his anger about those who he is close to and he loves very much and all of everything that they had to endure while serving and how he would take away any of their pain if he could. He says it, and he means it. That scares me. It isn't something I can understand fully and I accept that.

Morning worship starts. Well, hello there flood of tears. OH, we are 3 songs in now, still crying uncontrollably. Oh, here is the 4th song, yep still crying. My entire weekend has now hit me in all of maybe 10 minutes and hasn't stopped as all the songs keep going. I can't even sing. The words, the message in the songs, I can't control myself.

Funny enough, the last song we sing, ends- "You have the last word, it is finished."

Got it. I got it, God. I understand. I need to trust you more. I need to know when to stop trying to control everything because I don't in fact control it, You do. Ok, thanks for the message, can I stop crying now please? All of these people are around me and I even had to shake their hands all tear strained face and all and the nice man next to me even complimented my hair (that the rain almost ruined!) because he didn't know what else to say. I could tell he was being sweet. What a sweet man.

Ok where were we?

*I will be putting fake names about who these people are in my life for their own confidentiality*

Friday evening rolled around and Joan, who is a part of my everyday life had a breakdown. I didn't even know how to react. I wanted to go hug her and let her know that everything was going to be alright.

It's HARD when you question yourself as a person, a mother, a father, a wife, a husband, a christian, brother, sister-you get it. What makes that worse is when you compare yourself to others. You see how they dress, act, talk. You know how they think. You wonder HOW someone can be SO happy ALL OF THE TIME. (trust me they aren't)They live a completely different life from you. And even though you aren't jealous of them per say, as a mentor of mine says, "Let's just call a spade, a spade.", recognize it, acknowledge it, and grow from it. Joan was struggling with these very things and I had to call in some reinforcements myself because I just didn't have the right words that she needed to hear. Later Friday, we were able to talk things out and she felt better. She knew she had to work on herself and change some things around and recognize that she is important too and taking time for herself is important. Even when we feel like we HAVE no time. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. YOU own your time, don't let your time own you.

Friday evening, in the MIDST of all of th^^at, a very very good and very very old friend of mine, Joey, reached out to me. We hadn't had an actual conversation in FOREVER! I was working at the time but as soon as he reached out, I dropped everything I was doing and we had an awesome, long skype date. We talked about life. The last 10 years or so of it. A lot of it broke my heart. A lot of it made me smile, laugh. When you hear the struggles of someone who you were once so close with and you realize that you had NO idea of the things going on in their life, you feel like a crappy friend. I couldn't change what had happened in the past and the fact that I knew nothing of what had happened, but I totally took advantage of the time we were spending now. I listened, I listened and I didn't say a word and he told me every detail of everything and how he just at one point didn't like the person he was at all and how he needed help and someone to be there for him. My heart, oh my heart. How could I not know these things??

This is the kind of thing that happens when people put things out like things are perfectly ok because they don't want to let anyone know what they are facing at that moment in their life. Don't do this you guys. If you have nobody, I AM HERE. Please reach out to me. You can find me @ Jessi Marie Varela

Before we ended that skype date, Joey told me all of the NEW things going on in his life, how he is finding happiness once again. It is an everyday battle. He is fighting that battle and I couldn't be more proud.

Saturday morning at 7:30 am I received a phone call from ANOTHER amazing friend. Totally, out of the blue, unexpected. Cora has been taking self development courses on facing HERSELF. Scary right?

The scariest thing we could ever ever do is face ourselves. I can't imagine doing that in an organized manner either. Cora was calling to get a few things off her shoulders, something that had happened between us last year and it had been bothering her. She was letting so many things eat her alive as a person, didn't like who she had become and she was ridding of all of it. A phone call to me was a part of this. We talked for a few minutes. She was a sobfest. I was speechless for a minute or so because I didn't know what to say(considering what had just happened the night before especially)

I let her get her words out, and I told her that what had happened between us was done, and even though it bothered me at the time, I had let it all go and it didn't bother me anymore. I didn't want her to feel burdened anymore. She spoke about how she is ready for new beginnings and to work on being a better her and loving herself. I couldn't be more proud of this girl. NO MORE PROUD. I know she is going to move mountains with what she does in her life and anyone who is blessed to know her, well, they are blessed.

So, what does all of this mean?
Let's back track a little bit more again.
Lately, I have been struggling with myself, my business, who I am, why I can't put things aside and get the things I work so hard for. I am WORKING right? Why isn't it going exactly the way I want it to?

Oh man. I really needed this lesson.
I've recently starting listening to "You Are a Badass" on audible. This book is freaking LIFECHANGING. I am so serious. You should go to Amazon right now and order it. It made me teary and shaky in the first 10 minutes and I cried in the 1st chapter and I am on Chapter 8 not even 2 days into it. If you need someone who is not boring to tell you how it is and exactly how to get your life together and what is blocking you-THIS IS THE BOOK. *I am not affiliated with any purchases*

You see, after all of everything that happened this weekend this morning was my time to "fill my cup". I listened to some of the book and did church and prayer and family time and I even got a NAP! #winning

My subconscious doesn't think about anything. Yet it controls of fiber being in me even when I am consciously making different efforts. If you haven't read my "Childhood" blog entry, you should. Everything I experienced in my life has been set into my subconscious mind and it is blocking me from so many things I can accomplish and BE.


So, I will BE. I will learn to change my limiting beliefs AROUND.

Say these out loud:
I am in charge of how I feel and today I choose happiness.
Self love comes first-I love ME.
I am too big of a gift in this world to waste my time on self pity and sadness.
I choose happiness, success and abundance in my life.
I matter-and what I have to offer to this world MATTERS.
I am strong. I am beautiful. I am fearless. I am wise.


SAY THESE THINGS EVEN IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE THEM RIGHT NOW.
You have to REtrain your way of thinking.

Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become words.
Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior.
Keep your behavior positive, because your behavior becomes your habit.
Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your value.
Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.

Protect your thinking. Don't let people change you. BE YOU UNAPOLOGETICALLY.
New beginnings. Absolutely not caring what other people think about what I do, say, feel.
Getting rid of anyone who isn't supportive in my life and is only around to watch for me to fail or quit. (Not happening)

My brain feels like I unloaded so many things into one post. I hope that this helps someone out there. I am not mentally exhausted anymore. I am at rest. I am at peace with where I am right now in my life and I will work to keep growing and being better and helping as many more people as God wills me to.

All things are possible, easy and come to me with grace. I expect miracles. All things in my future are already there now.
XOXO
-Jessi

Embrace the Journey God has for You-He paved it for YOU.

I don't think I ever told you how I made my final decision to stay in Texas.

I say "my" because my husband had made it very clear to me that he supported whatever I wanted to do. Wherever I chose, he would go.

As most of you know I am a strong person in my faith. As strong as I can be right now. I am still growing. In this specific situation, I prayed. I prayed hard and I told God that I needed a sign. I told him that that sign needed to be RIGHT in front of my face and that I would know it when I received it.

So, one evening I was reading to the kids before bed. I don't remember the name of the book. Some of you may recognize it a little. It was about a squirrel trying to find new home. He wandered around and he came upon a moose. As I was reading, the squirrel decided to "dwell inside of the longhorns of the moose".

I was stunned. "DWELL INSIDE OF THE LONGHORNS"?

Well. Ok then. Thank you God. That was definitely right in my face and I definitely knew it. See I had known inside of my heart what I wanted to do for our family. There were just so many nay sayers not understanding and feeling like I was selfish. I had some tell me to give my kids second best as long as they would be around all of their family. I couldn't accept giving my kids second best. Don't get me wrong. Family is VERY important to us and to me, but I knew where we belonged for us to grow like God intended us to.

We all have a purpose in our lives. Most of us grow up and still have no clue what that purpose is. I think it is awesome when you have young kids in middle school or high school or even starting out college and they know exactly what it is that they will be doing with their lives, and they pursue that! That is amazing.

But if you're like me, you're 23 and you have no idea what it is you're supposed to do in your life. I am 25 now, but 2 years ago, I was lost. I believed in God but my faith wasn't big enough. I prayed but it wasn't consistent and I figured if he really knew what we needed he would give it to us.

No. There are roadblocks in our lives put up by the Almighty One. He does this purposely He wants to test you, to grow you and to strengthen YOU. He wants to know if you are READY for the many blessings He is so ready to GIVE you.

This means though, that when ish hits the fan, you are remembering to turn to Him. You need to trust in Him more than you trust in yourself or anyone else. He promises you that he will be present in all of your life, He will see you through everything, and He will protect you through everything. Are you trusting in him enough? Are you turning to him in your moment of weakness? When you are angry, or feeling jealous of someone or something?

I know that when I am going through a hard time, my first thought right now isn't to pray at first. It is something I am definitely working on. I do notice that when I DO think to pray first and then I give Him all of my trust no matter WHAT, He answers. Is it always the answer I want? Of course not. But I trust Him. He has not led me wrong so far.

We are teaching our children to trust in God over anything. That when they are scared, or having a hard time with something, to pray to Him and for them to know that He is there with them. It is so precious to watch children as young as 2 and as old as 8 just talk to God and pray to him and read his book. They have conversations with each other, and some of the things they say, makes my heart just putty.

You cannot let fear stop you from pursuing the things that you want to pursue in your life. If you want to make something happen, no matter what it is, you will. No excuses. If you are sitting and wondering WHY God has given you THIS to pursue because it is so scary, you need to just trust in him. He can take you through all things.

Me, I know what I want to do. I am growing my business for so many reasons. One of them being sponsoring 20 families during Thanksgiving and Christmas time. I want to give to so many causes. I want to do some type of Hope center for pregnant teens. I want to help the sexual abuse awareness cause. I know that when I have the huge amounts of money in my bank account, that God will guide me to do exactly what it is that he has always intended for me to do even before I was born. That gives me goosebumps.

Whatever it is you are struggling with. If you are not sure if you are supposed to take one path or another, pray on it. Decide and then accept the course that God has given you. Make the commitment NOW. Ask yourself now, will I quit when it gets hard? The answer is no. Any doubt right now, give it up. Now that the commitment is made you must keep going no matter what. Lastly, align your attitude. Know that every obstacle that you are going to face, is intended for you to face. It is your test. Consider every emotion you may feel before you even start this journey. You will get dirty. You will be humiliated. You will cry. You will laugh. You will smile. Know that God will be with you the whole way.

XOXO
Jessi

You Don't Have to be Supermom

Some days I feel like super mom.

You know the moms that you see on TV or in magazines who have it all together? They have 3 kids surrounding them and their clothes are clean and if they have chocolate faces it is perfectly aligned right around their mouth? The "mess" they have in their living room consists of 3 toys laying out on the floor and 2 plates and a cup sitting in the sink.

I want to be in a magazine. I want everyone to see my 10 loads of clean laundry that sits on my couch in my entrance area unfolded for a few days (sometimes longer) unfolded. I want to show everyone my kitchen sink over loaded with dishes because I have already unloaded the dang thing twice that day and I am waiting for the husband to come home so I can suck up to him so he will be nice and do it. He usually doesnt mind. We bargain.

Does anyone want to see my room? No? Okay then.
I love my kids like crazy. They are amazing little human beings. Motherhood is awesome. Sometimes it isn't, but all in all it really is.

But today I felt like a supermom. I had a *little* over an hour to get Isabelah and Rosayliah and head to the grocery store, shop, get back and put everything away in time to walk and get the kiddos. Being 4 and 2 is a fun age. A rambunctious age. A "Let's test mommy in everything" age.

I grocery shopped like a champ! I got out of the store with right around 40 minutes to get home and get it put away and walk to get the kids!

....until Isabelah reminded me that I had promised her muffins today.

Crap. I completely forgot while I was in the store. Rosayliah was already in her carseat and I was almost done putting the groceries in the back. I looked at her and I saw her face. I did NOT want to have to go through another meltdown. She had more than a few handfuls last week. It's the beginning of a new week, it's been a fantastic day and I wasn't letting anything ruin it!

I decided to handle that with a positive attitude so she would respond positively. I told her we had to hurry!

So we went back in the store. She was so polite, saying excuse me when she walked past anyone. She said please when she picked which muffins she wanted. Rosayliah was even being a good little stinker.

Once we got into the van it was then I realized that I had approx 25 minutes to make a 15 minute drive home, put the groceries away and get out the door to walk to get the kids.

WE. DID. IT.

It was awesome! I seriously felt on cloud 9. Ha! These types of things don't happen often. It must have been the adrenaline.

There are days I feel like a complete failure, it is something I am working on. Today was not one of them though. And the day is NOT over.

I am going to be awesome and fold these 10 loads of laundry in my entrance area. Not all of them but at least half, ha! I am going to work. I am going to make an awesome dinner! My husband will come home to a sane house today, because he deserves it.

Just because your life isn't like what you see on TV or in magazines doesn't make you less of a mom. It makes you a mom. We are all different. We all come from different ways we were raised. We have different priorities, but in the end, we all want what's best for our kids. Do what you can with what you have. I promise that if you keep working at it, and keep your faith, and do something about any tough situation you are in, it will get better. Never give up! Don't throw in the towel although somedays you will feel like you want to!

Just keep on pushing on. Their smiles are worth it. Knowing that you are raising this child to be on their own when they are grown and do "good" at being a grown up, makes it worth it.

XOXO
Jessi

It's hard to forgive.

Opening up the flood gates of forgiveness sometimes is even unimaginable. There are so many people in this world who do horrible horrible things. Some of those things are done to us. You. Me.

{Before I get completely into this, I want to give a TON of credit to Ken and Jackie Kendall. They are the founders of The Power to Grow ministries. These 2 may have very well just changed my and my husbands lives forever. This blog was thought into my head taking their Marriage Tune Up with my husband and I have hopes to help and inspire others who are struggling with forgiveness.}

When I was 18 years old I had to tell my mom that her husband of almost 10 years (that she had split from a couple years prior) had sexually molested me when I was younger for a few years. I had to tell her this to protect my little sister. He had attempted to attack her as well when she was 11 years old.

See, one morning I woke up in my apartment to 2 voicemails from my little sister. They were from around 6 am that morning. In both of them she simply stated, "call me Jessi." , "Jessi please have Mom call me." As SOON as I heard them I KNEW what had happened. So I went with my mom to go get her and hadn't said anything to my mom about it. When we picked my sister up she told her right away what happened and it broke me.

Writing this it has just hit me. Here I am going to write this huge blog for ya'll to read about forgiveness and how to help you with your struggles and I have realized that I haven't forgiven myself. Right here in this moment as I am typing I am realizing that if I HAD said something when I was little, that that ugly soul of a man would never have been near my sister and she wouldn't have had to go through what she did. This breaks my heart into pieces. So now I will cry my heart out to you and hope that you can get something out of this message that will most likely be a little all over the place. Stay with me now.

{To my sister, Amber; I love you and I am sorry. I know you don't blame me for what happened but I now cannot help but bring this to my attention. It is something I fully intend to work on now that I am aware of it.}

Ok guys, now that that is done. Well, not done, but out there. I want to help YOU.

I come from a broken home. (obviously)
My husband comes from a divorced home. His family's business is not mine to put out there so I won't. But I just want you to know that we both have our family issues. We all do.

Who in your life has hurt you?
Being offended is inevitable, but staying offended is a choice.

This sucks. That sentence hurts. Please know that I am not trying to offend. I KNOW struggle. I KNOW heartache. I KNOW what it feels like to want to die. I have tried taking myself from this world. I'll never forget my brother, around 12 years of age physically trying to stop me from overdosing and screaming and crying at me.

The thing a LOT of us fail to realize is people do not control our emotions or thoughts. They may do or say hurtful things to us, but WE are in charge of our own feelings and reactions. Guard your feelings.

Being human is often messy. We all sin. We all have such expectations for things in our life, that most of the time we are left disappointed. Disappointment is followed by anger.

For example. Is there someone in your life that you have high hopes for? Kids, brother, sister, cousin, spouse? You have your own little idea in your head on what you want them to be like, what you want them to do with their life, and you try to play that fantasy out? It becomes so real in your head that in real life, you push them to be like the fantasy in your head. You want them to do the things you say to do, feel the way you say to feel.
Let GO. Your dream for them does not matter, no matter HOW good your intention is. God has a plan for all of us, and it is not your decision on what their life will be like. Expectations are nothing but premeditated resentment. Expect a 5. So when it is a 3, you aren't super disappointed and when it is a 10 you are ecstatic.

Forgiveness is HARD. Forgiving your mom for being too hard on you. Forgiving your spouse for saying something hurtful to you or not paying attention. Forgiving your brother for going behind your back and doing that thing he said he wouldn't. Forgiving your stepfather who molested you for years and then went after your sister.
Forgiveness is HARD. 
But is isn't about THEM. It's about YOU.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to reconcile with whoever it was that has hurt you. It means that you have come to, you have released the feelings of resentment. That you have let go of the things that you cannot control. Free YOURSELF.
If the person that hurt you repents, ONLY then, if you DECIDE, can try and work on that relationship. But even THEN, it is tricky and scary. That is up to you.

That man murdered a child. Your wife cheated on you. Her son stole $300 from your wallet.

You are not the one who gets to be the judge on whether or not that person goes to Heaven or Hell. As HARD as that can be. To feel peace within you , you need to forgive. Forgiving someone is HEROIC. It is not for the weak.

"Father, forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34
So, even if you want someone "to pay" for what they have done, it is not your choice. It IS THAT difficult sometimes.
When you refuse to forgive, that moment is a moment of sin. Unforgiveness. "I am most like Jesus when I am forgiving."

Unforgiveness allows you to reproduce in others, what you have not resolved in your own heart.

I have kids. 4 precious souls that I labored into this world. I cannot reproduce my feelings of unforgiveness into their souls. That one hit me hard. Your children can read your body language. They can see your emotion. You do not want to bare them that burden if you haven't forgiven someone. I know I don't. I know you don't want that for them either.

"BUT when you are praying, FIRST forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against." Matt, 11;24,25

Spouses. Don't go to bed angry.
"If I go to bed angry with someone, I will wake up a little less in love with him/her."

Mind blown.
I go to bed angry a LOT. I have heard people tell me not to, read not to. It didn't dawn on me until this weekend that that also has something to do with the way I have felt some days with my husband. It has a lot to do with the ways I have felt about my marriage. I know we are on track with a lot of things, but we still have a lot of things we need to work on. Now we know it.

"Be angry and do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, and don't give the devil an opportunity." Eph. 4;26, 27

For all of you.
A lack of forgiveness in your heart towards your spouse, child, friend will erode your capacity to love this person. 

So now I want to tell you a story that I learned about Jackie today. She really is an amazing woman. She was a sibling of 7. 7 kids. That's a big family. Her dad sexually abused them ALL. Boys and girls. Heartbreaking. Even AFTER the fact, she tried to help her dad find Jesus. Can you imagine? That's strong. I couldn't have done that.

All of her siblings except for herself turned to drugs. She tried over and over again to bring them to Jesus. But she had to have a coming to and realize that she couldn't. As much as she tried.

When her sister killed herself she had to travel back home and help with the funeral. While she was driving with him she asked him if he needed to go talk to someone. Her brother was quiet, withdrawn. She said in that moment his voice rose and he said, "WHAT DAD DID TO US HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHO I AM!"

And in that moment she said, "What Dad did to us has EVERYTHING to do with who we are!" (And why her sister killed herself)

How sad.
Her dad died soon after and she said that her brother was weeping at the funeral. Her counselor was with her and told her that he really needed to talk to someone. He refused.

Shortly after, her brother shot himself in the head.
How TRAGIC.
Sexual abuse is the most deadening crime. It obviously hits close to home with me.

If you are a victim, I urge you to seek help, and dig yourself deep into prayer and find forgiveness so you can live in peace. It is not your fault dear. You did nothing wrong. God isn't at fault. He gave us free will. It took me a LONG time to come to with this one. Free will is something man takes advantage of. We live in a wreckless world with some evil souls that we can only pray that they will have a coming to Jesus. Some will. Some won't. But we don't get to determine their judgement day.

It is in my hopes that you took this message how I meant it. I do feel I was a little bit all over the place. My mind has been going about a million miles a minute today. I am going to pray for clarity so I can decide what it is exactly that I am supposed to do with everything we have been blessed with. Because I want to help so many people. I want to bless so many people and help so many souls out there in this world.

Just remember, we are sinners outside of the garden. Forgive. Again and again.
Xoxo
Jessi

Childhood.

We all had one. Some were good, some not so great. Everyone has their own struggles. Everyone has their own victories.

My struggle was self confidence, holding back, and being a follower.

My victories ARE confidence, being free to make my own decisions, and being a leader.

As a child my family moved around a lot. I remember leaving my dad when I was around 2 years old. We got into the police car and drove off to my godparents house. I remember the glimpse of us stopping because we found our dog, or it chased us or something, and we let him in with us and my brother and I were so very happy about that. I don't remember if I was scared or not, but I probably was.

My dad was physically abusive to my mom. He did drugs and he was an alcoholic. Well is an alcoholic. (I think that is how the program works. He is clean now. Im proud of him.)
My mom had me when she was 14. (!!)
And then she had my brother not even a full 2 years later.

Around the time I was 4 years old my mom met another man. This man later became her husband. He emotionally and verbally abused her. He stole things from our family. He never came home because he was out doing drugs. We were up riding with my mom at all hours of the night looking for him to bring him home. And he sexually abused me for approximately 6 years. I was scared and I never told anyone. I didn't want to ruin my moms marriage or make anyone mad. So I kept it to myself.

That marriage ended some years later. My mom was in a hard place and so was I. I was 14. Hard age for a girl. But I never really showed it. I was the "good child". I got good grades. I was likeable. I did good for people. I had a good heart.

But I also had a good struggle. I had dreams. I had goals. Growing up in small towns, I didnt know much of what was out there. Only what I watched on tv or read about in the newspaper. I played basketball. I ran track.

I loved basketball. I played every year. In 10th grade we won the championship and it was one of the happiest times of my life. I wanted to get recruited/college scholarship my 11th grade year. I wanted to be in the WNBA. I wanted to travel all around the world and then come back to what I called home.

I also went through my phase of my high school sweet heart. We were off and on. I tried killing myself once over him with a fight with my mom. Ill never forget my brother physically on top of me trying to pull all of the pills out of my mouth. Im going to forever be sorry about that.

That next year I got pregnant with my now 8 year old amazing son. I was 17 when I had him. My entire world changed before me.
Styled hair, makeup, cute outfits, sports, school, out for fun nights with my friends, work as many hours as I wanted to make money >>> messy ponytails, baggy eyes, tshirts with baby puke, no sports, school dropout, fun nights up with a colicky baby, and working and working to provide.

My relationship with his dad was a good one. He was a good dad. He provided. We were in a good place. We moved out of town. That is when I dropped out of school because I absolutely hated the school so I just continued to work full time. I got fired a week before Christmas.
 I "came out" to everyone about my sexual abuse as a child to help defend another close family member. It went to trial. They let him go. He threatened us. We moved back.
We lived in a shelter. We found a place to live. My sons dad cheated on me with a good friend of mine. I stayed "for my family."
One day as we were getting ready for a halloween party, I tested positive for another baby. I was happy. He was happy. All was good.
The day after Thanksgiving I had a miscarriage. I will never ever forget that day in my life. I wasn't close with God. I didn't understand. I was depressed and all was hopeless. I held my fake smile on though. Nobody knew my true struggle. Well, I truly now believe that God did even when I didn't reach out to him.

On my 19th birthday, I found out I was pregnant with my 5 year old daughter. What nobody knows is that 2 months prior to finding out all we did was drink every single weekend. Hard drinking. We thought it was fun. I thought it was harmless. I still carry guilt about that. I cheated on my sons dad. Not many people know that either. I was in a bad place.

I told him I did it. He forgave me and we moved on. She was a hard pregnancy. She almost died. The day I went in and told the dr I couldnt feel her moving, they did an ultrasound and sent me to the University of Iowa where drs there told me that her blood count shouldve been 50 and it was 4 and they need to do an immediate blood transfusion for her. I cried so hard. They couldnt understand how she had survived how long she did. (They say she had parvo, which only effects fetuses) That pregnancy was a long hard one of lots of ultrasounds and monitoring. She was a beautiful 5 pound baby in September of 2008. She was born via csection and that was one of the toughest things I had gone through physically in my life.

I tried nursing her. She wouldnt latch and I wasnt producing. Where we lived nursing wasn't this big thing so I really had nobody to reach out to for help that I felt comfortable with. So I gave up and went into depression. I took meds. They seemed to help until they didnt anymore.

By this time I was so self conscious of my body and just sad. I held my smile though. I didn't know what my purpose was in life and only that I had 2 beautiful gifts from God that needed me. So that was what I was going to do. Be a mom and be a hell of a mom. Their dad and I both worked until we got into a really bad car accident. By the grace of God my children were ok. The whole back window was shattered and all they had was a couple of slivers in their forehead and a bruise. I truly believe they were in the arms of angels that snowy freezing morning. That accident put their dad out of work.

I used to sit and reflect on the things that I had done in my life that I was ashamed of. The things I mentioned above. How could a GOOD person cheat on someone they are supposed to love? I could use the excuse that I was drunk, but that would make me a hypocrite. And that is something I am not. We all have skeletons in our closets and I just choose not to hide them anymore. This is me.

I worked full time. Now at this point in my life I started running everyday after work. I was determined to start losing weight and to get healthy. The thing is, now I realize I didnt even know what healthy was. I was buying processed food like crazy. I wasnt educated at all about it. But I did become a good runner for awhile. Until I quit.

What changed in me?
God. My husband. Moving away. Being a coach.
Not in that order.
If I put it in order, it would be I would say my husband for one. When he came into my life a LOT of things changed. My kids fell in love with him and he fell in love with them. I realized a part of me that had been missing and it was HIM. He completed me.
Moving away comes second. See, my husband joined the army and we had to move when our daughter was 15 months. (3 kids for me now- another csection)

I hated it. I was miserable and him and I fought all the time and our marriage was in a bad spot. I left many times with the kids. We did nothing but fight and call each other names. We decided to have another baby (in one of our happy times) and that pregnancy was horrid in the beginning. I wound up in the ER for dehydration. I was sick and weak and couldnt do anything. Depressed. Again. He didnt understand depression so I was a big baby in his eyes.

So our precious bundle of joy came in August of 2012. Another Csection. At this point I am at the highest weight of my entire life and just really trying to figure out this thing called life. I did wind up falling in love with where we were (and are still currently) living. I was happy because my brother and mother in law came for her birth and all seemed well. Babies make everyone happy right?

Fake it til you make it. That is my motto. And so far, it has worked. In every single aspect of my life. I never used to understand why I went through everything that I did. Or why I had to witness some of the things I did. Even now I dont really understand but I accept that and am ok with that.

In January of 2013 I was just scrolling in a public forum on facebook and there was a link to join a FREE fitness challenge group. I was intrigued. I joined and I was so scared because there were rules like no eating fast food for 30 days (WHAT?! McDonalds was the PLACE TO BE) and no pop( I had recently quit that horrible addiction) and I HAD TO WORKOUT.

Lord, help me.
I remember showing the group to my husband. He simply said "You don't ever stick with anything."
What? Challenge accepted dude.
I went about this challenge and I HAD PROGRESS.
But it wasn't fast enough for me and I was impatient. I wanted something quick, you know, like everyone does.

BUT, I reached out to my coach and found out more about what she does and did my own research on some things. I watched a presentation and I was PULLED IN. My heart was TUGGING at me. I HAD to do what she was doing. It changed her life and all of these other people? I knew we needed this for my family!!! I was desperate!! At that point I had been sleeping everyday with my baby and toddler and being the horrible mom! I really was! WHO drops their older kids off at school to come home and feed the toddler then take her in the room with you and lock the door, turn on cartoons so you can sleep until your lunchtime alarm goes off? Just to go feed her and then have her nap and you nap with her until your alarm goes off to go get the kids?! WHODOESTHAT?
I DID.

THIS CHANGE I NEEDED. MY FAMILY NEEDED. They deserved to have ME. They didn't have that. And my "why" is MUCH bigger than just them, but they are the MAJORITY.


So, I began my journey with coaching. I can't explain the passion I have to help people find THEMSELVES again. I know exactly what it feels like to LOSE yourself. With everything you have to face in life, it isn't hard to not lose yourself. But you are important. You are loved.

My marriage is THE BEST it has EVER been. I truly believe all of the change coaching has done for me inside has changed my husband and my perspective on life and marriage. Our team is incredible. We don't just talk about working out and eating healthy. We are everyday live human beings who face the same struggle everyone else does.
I LOVE living here. I feel free and there is SO much opportunity for our children to just LIVE. We are so happy with our life right now and we have big dreams to accomplish for us and them. It helps to have a team to back me up in everything I do for my family. Whether it is about house buying, parenting, or workingout!

If you're anything like me you need accountability and someone to push you. And in the beginning, you may need someone to tell you that you are worth it. I know how hard that is to believe that about yourself. Internal changes impact external. It all comes together as one. You are not alone. I can offer you help. I can get you to achieve your goals, IF you'll let me and IF you're ready to commit to YOU.


In this last year I found GOD. And when I did it hit me HARD. I remember standing there, singing and breaking DOWN crying. I ran to the bathroom and just cried and tried to calm myself down. I felt too ashamed to go up during the invitation. That day as we were walking out of church my heart had this TUGGING feeling. I couldnt leave without going and talking to the pastor. I just couldn't. So that day was when I went and introduced myself all teary and snot faced. He said "those are beautiful tears." I told him I wanted to be baptized. I went to classes to make sure I was confident in that decision and on March 16th I was baptized. <3 I will never be able to explain the feeling that came across me when I came out of that water. I now live for him.

This is where I come from. This is my history. I never ever ever ever EVER EVER thought I would be "successful" or even THINK about the fact that we could afford things for our kids and not live as broke as we were!  I know I left some things out, because I am seriously just sitting here typing so dang fast and full of passion and tears. I just needed to get this out. Im not sure when I will share it either. I need to get the guts to share. I know that it will help others. I just need to be brave and do it. These are lots of the skeletons in my closet.

This is me. Then. Now. You don't have to be stuck anywhere in your life. You can make the decision to make a change. You have the power of your own choice. You just have to step outside of your fears. It is the scariest freaking thing EVER but it is WELL worth it!

I know. I said I was back before and then I didn't even post again.

Ive learned that blogging may not be my thing. Im ok with that. So I will probably just be in and out sporadically.

Recent things going on?

Well, my husband is getting out of the army in less than 80 days. Then we are moving and starting a whole new chapter in our lives. We are beyond excited!

This whole coaching thing I am doing. I realized I have upped my income by 2300% since last year! When that dawned on me I was amazed and couldnt believe my eyeballs!

Rosa is about to turn 2 years old. I am sad and happy about that. She is our last (as we know right now). I am having a hard time accepting the fact that we are done celebrating first birthdays, and that we won't witness another one of our children crawling or walking for the first time ever again. It saddens me. I literally broke down and cried yesterday. My husband and I have decided that neither of us are getting a permanent "fix" and if in a few years we decide we want another baby, we will have one. We just want to be sure. We want to be able to enjoy the kids at their stages they are at right now. Let them do all of the sports and activities they want. Go to amusement parks without the baby carrier (and baby/toddler occassionally pulling my boob out for a sip of milk!)

Everything feels good. I have days where I don't want to do anything. (and sometimes I don't)
God is good.
I know this is all so random. I just figured I would check in. :)

I'm Back!

Well.
Ironically my last blog was talking about being consistent.
Life got a hold of me and I just simply didn't make anytime for it.
Now here it is nearly October!

What's new here? Well, we brought our kitty back home finally. Aniyah is going to be turning 5 Sunday. The husband is away for 40 days for the work(Thank you Army), so of course we aren't doing Aniyah's big birthday party until he gets back but Sunday we will be doing something special. She is excited to behaving "two" birthday parties.

I feel great. I thought that with Ben being gone I was going to be run down and just plain tired. Don't get me wrong, Im super busy, and feel like I'm all over the place, but I am greatful for this lifestyle we are living. Working out, drinking Shakeology and eating clean. It is definitely helping and I can feel it. I wake up everyday with a positive mindset and I tell myself that no matter how I am feeling it is going to be a good day.

I know that sometimes it isn't easy to do. You wake up, you feel tired, you just want to go back to sleep. So in return, sometimes you are grumpy and don't want to do anything. What happens?

Your day probably sucks.

I've been there. Done that. Am NOT going back to it.

Try changing the way you THINK. Think positively. Think happy. Think about the things you want to get done and it will happen. Focus on the negative, that is what's going to happen. Focus on the positive, and you will see the difference in your life.

Try it.

I don't have too much to say right now except that I am going to do my hardest to start blogging again at  least every other night.

I will leave you with this today;
"Believe you can and you're halfway there." -Theodore Roosevelt <3